Who Am I?

I so wish I wrote with beautiful words. I don't, but here's what's on my heart. I hope it makes sense:

I began a Proverbs study this week (shared with me by Delta) and have really been enjoying it. I have been challenged and encouraged. Each lesson has the Proverbs to study, a place to record an application, prayer guidance, and a memorization verse. A couple of days ago, as I was following the prayer guidance, God gave me a revelation. It was one many of us of take for granted. I know I often do.

I came to the part of prayer where it called for confession. When I pray, I confess what I have done and ask for forgiveness, but I guess it has just been a long time since I have actually called it confession. Does that make sense? I guess I just always refer to it as 'asking for forgiveness'. Anyway, the study says this, "Confession: (Agreeing with God when you have broken His Law by doing what He forbids or not doing what He commands. Remember to evaluate your thoughts, attitudes, actions, and motives in light of what the Bible says. Also, call your sin what God calls it. Don't try to minimize, blame-shift or justify it)."

Again, I do these things, but for some reason that day, it really impacted me. I read what she said about not minimizing, shifting blame, or justifying my sin. I don't really do that, not with God; however, I don't often think about and really meditate on the fact that Jesus took total credit for all the horrible things I have done. EVERY ONE OF THEM. Yes, just like most Christians, I can easily say that I know that Jesus died for my sins. Yes. But I don't often picture Him taking the blame for me completely losing it and yelling at Tristan. This week, though, I actually heard Jesus take credit for each of my sins.

As I was sitting here doing this study, God totally revealed Himself to me. As I was confessing my sins, I heard the Judge say, "Yelling at your son? Hmmmm..." Then I heard Jesus say, "No, Father. That's on Me." Again the Judge, "Being lazy, disorganized..." Jesus, "No, Father. I've got that. That's on Me." "Gossiping about your neighbor...". "No, Judge. That's on Me."

I wish I could share every detail of the conversation, but because I'm not ready to post all my sins for the world to see, I'll keep some things private. I will say, though, that it was SO incredibly humbling. To hear My Savior take credit for all of the horrendous things I've done; My Savior who was tempted but never sinned, take credit for all of my failings...WOW! You see, I KNEW that Jesus died for my sin, but until Wednesday, I didn't hear His voice take credit for each of them. Wednesday brought me back. It served as the reminder that I needed. It's been a long time since I have given Jesus full credit for what He did. I have been honoring with my lips but not meditating on His goodness and really thanking Him for the shame He carried on the cross for me.

If you know me well, you know it's hard for me to accept people doing nice things for me. I'm not exactly sure why. I've had a friend lovingly tell me it's pride, but I really don't think that's the case (maybe that's my pride talking ;)). You see, I'm not too proud to accept help; not at all. I just hate for people to give things to me or do things for me when they have so much on their plate already. Too, I have a hard time watching people take advantage of others (it's part of my personality profile). I see people take advantage of others who are offering help. I sometimes call it "forced blessing". Channing and I have been in situations where we have been taken advantage of. For instance, we once had someone ask us to order tickets for them online when we ordered our own, and they would repay us when we got them. Well we got them, and the person said, "Thank you for blessing me with these." To me, that's a forced blessing. We weren't buying them to give, we were simply doing the guy a favor. Anyway, I'm sure that sounds so selfish. It was nice to give, I just don't really think that the situation was handled the way we expected. That is just one example of the many times I have seen people force blessings, in the Name of Jesus. I could go on about this, but I won't. It's a balance thing, I guess. It all goes back to motives.

My point is, I have a hard time letting my friends or others do things for me because I would rather take care of them. I want them to be taken care of. I want to serve others. I want the best for them. Right or wrong, surely I'm not alone in this. Anyway, I don't think I always give Jesus enough credit. I know I don't. Yes, I accept what He did, but I need to meditate on it daily. I need to hear His voice take My sin because that is EXACTLY what He did on the cross. I mean, if He had come to me beforehand and said, "Hey, Annie. Remember that name you called that person who cut you off in traffic? I'm going to take credit for that. I am going to die for that sin as well as all your others." Of course, there is NO way I would have conceded. That was my sin, not His. I messed up, He didn't. How thankful am I that He didn't ask? How thankful am I that He willingly gave His life for mine? Think about that. Think of every single sin you've committed. If you confess and ask for forgiveness, Jesus takes total credit for each and every one. He, who was blameless, took our sins onto the cross. He, who was/is perfect, carried our dirty secrets: lies, envy, anger, murder, gluttony, sloth, pornography, adultery...everything....to the cross. He took our punishment. Really think about that and meditate on it. I think you'll feel the same way I feel. In awe. Inspired. Embarrassed for what I've done. In debt to My Savior. IN LOVE!

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. 1 Peter 2:24

Who am I that You are mindful of me? Thank You, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus.


Update 7/1: Please let me say that I LOVE to help people. I know from reading this that it may appear that I feel taken advantage of if I ever help anyone, and I want you to know that that is ABSOLUTELY not the case. It blesses me to help others. :)