Tuesday, December 4, 2007

I made my bed...

Have you ever done something, and as soon as you did it, you regretted it immediately? You wished you could take it back and pretend it never happened? I'm having one of those times right now. Today I made a really unwise decision. Today I decided to act on impulse rather than on careful thought and prayer. Today I chose to make a decision that affects not only me but the rest of my family, and not necessarily in the best way. Today I have made my bed, and not only do I have to lay in it, but I've brought others with me.
When I was following my impulses, my spirit was telling me I was making the wrong decision. Instead of listening, I squelched it. I told myself that what I was doing would bring joy to me and to my family. I convinced myself that I was doing the right thing. Of course, as soon as it was over, I felt horrible. I have felt horrible ever since.
I tried to fix my mistake, but unfortunately I was too late. It's irreversible. I'm stuck with my impulse.
Reluctantly, and with many tears, I had to share what I did with my husband. As disappointed as he was in me, I was and am 10 times as disappointed and upset with myself. I just cannot believe I allowed myself to be as impulsive as I was. Channing, being the most patient and forgiving person I know, let me know that I made a poor decision, but that he forgives me and basically that I need to forgive myself. I am currently working on that process.
I am submerging myself in God's Word and am not only asking Him to forgive me and to teach me, but I am also thanking Him for what I have learned already. Although I know that He forgives me, I also know He had to have been disappointed in my choices. I pray that His mercies will rain down on me, and that I will feel His compassion and grace. I pray that I will be able to forgive myself and that I can restore the damage I've caused.
In Ephesians, the Bible warns us to be careful how we live:
So be careful how you act; these are difficult days. Don't be fools; be wise: make the most of every opportunity you have for doing good. Don't act thoughtlessly, but try to find out and do whatever the Lord wants you to do. Ephesians 5:15-17
I was definitely unwise today. I hope you will give careful thought to your ways so that you will not have to experience the anguish I am currently putting myself and my family through.
I know I haven't mentioned exactly what it is that I did, but by not mentioning, I hope it helps someone out there who may have an impulsive streak like me...in whatever area it is for you. Also, if you knew what it was that I did some of you would probably think that it was no big deal, but to me and to my family it is a big deal. Anyway, I hope this helps someone. That is the reason I posted it...not to further my embarrassment and shame.
God bless you all, and tomorrow will be a better day!


MorningSong said...

You are so blessed!! I believe someone WILL be freed from their "could of, should of, would of" pit from your sincere heart!! God will be glorified. I am so thankful for you and your family!

I pray your grieving will end soon!

I pray blessing and a constant overflow of abundance to you!!

Much love!

annieck said...

YOU are such a blessing to ME. You don't know how much your words of encouragement helped me today. I needed them more than you know. I am in continual prayer for you and your family, and I am so thankful for you.
God bless you and your family...and the little one that God has planned for you.
Love you!